dirty holiness

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day,
the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here,
isn't it?" "Yes it is." the man replies. "You wanna buy a
baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks." the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist
continues. "Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering
the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars." the little boy
replies. "Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously,
but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when
she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in
the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
the boy starts off. "Yes it is." replies the man. "Wanna buy a
baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Okay. How much this
time!" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the
transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go
get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I
sold them" replies the little boy. "How much did you get for
them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms
of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars." the little boy
says. "Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to
the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness." the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says..."Don't you start that crap in here now!"

An 8 cow wife

My trip to the Kiniwata Island in the Pacific was a memorable one. Although the island was beautiful and I had an enjoyable time, the thing I remember most about my trip was the fact "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for his wife." I’m reminded of it every time I see a woman belittle her husband or a wife wither under her husband’s scorn. I want to say to them, "You should know why Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for his wife."

Johnny Lingo is known throughout the islands for his skills, intelligence, and savvy. If you hire him as a guide, he will show you the best fishing spots and the best places to get pearls. Johnny is also one of the sharpest traders in the islands. He can get you the best possible deals. The people of Kiniwata all speak highly of Johnny Lingo. Yet, when they speak of him, they always smile just a little mockingly.

A couple days after my arrival to Kiniwata, I went to the manager of the guesthouse to see who he thought would be a good fishing guide. "Johnny Lingo," said the manager. "He’s the best around. When you go shopping, let him do the bargaining. Johnny knows how to make a deal."

"Johnny Lingo!" hooted a nearby boy. The boy rocked with laughter as he said, "Yea, Johnny can make a deal alright!"

"What’s going on?" I demanded.

"Everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then they start laughing. Please, let me in on the joke."

"Oh, the people like to laugh," the manager said, shrugging. "Johnny’s the brightest and strongest young man in the islands. He’s also the richest for his age."

"But …" I protested. "… if he’s all you say he is, why does everyone laugh at him behind his back?"

"Well, there is one thing. Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He gave her father eight cows!"

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed. A dowry of two or three cows would net a fair wife and four or five cows would net a very nice wife.

"Wow!" I said. "Eight cows! She must have beauty that takes your breath away."

"She’s not ugly, …" he conceded with a little smile, "… but calling her ‘plain’ would definitely be a compliment. Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid he wouldn’t be able to marry her off. Instead of being stuck with her, he got eight cows for her. Isn’t that extraordinary? This price has never been paid before."

"Yet, you called Johnny’s wife ‘plain?’ "

"I said it would be a compliment to call her plain. She was skinny and she walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow."

"Well," I said, "I guess there’s just no accounting for love."

"True enough." agreed the man. "That’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny. They get special satisfaction from the fact the sharpest trader in the islands was bested by dull old Sam Karoo."

"But how?"

"No one knows and everyone wonders. All of the cousins urged Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny would pay only one. To their surprise Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’ "

"Eight cows." I murmured. "I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo."

I wanted fish and pearls, so the next afternoon I went to the island of Nurabandi. As I asked directions to Johnny’s house, I noticed Johnny’s neighbors were also amused at the mention of his name. When I met the slim, serious young man I could see immediately why everyone respected his skills. However, this only reinforced my confusion over him.

As we sat in his house, he asked me, "You come here from Kiniwata?"

"Yes."

"They speak of me on that island?"

"Yes. They say you can provide me anything I need. They say you’re intelligent, resourceful, and the sharpest trader in the islands."

He smiled gently. "My wife is from Kiniwata."

"Yes, I know."

"They speak of her?"

"A little."

"What do they say?"

"Why, just … ." The question caught me off balance. "They told me you were married at festival time."

"Nothing more?" The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.

"They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows." I paused. "They wonder why."

"They ask that?" His eyes lighted with pleasure. "Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?"

I nodded.

"And in Nurabandi, everyone knows it too?" His chest expanded with satisfaction. "Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita."

So that’s the answer, I thought: Vanity.

Just then Sarita entered the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still for a moment to smile at her husband and then left. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, and the sparkle in her eyes all spelled self-confidence and pride. Not an arrogant and haughty pride, but a confident inner beauty that radiated in her every movement.

I turned back to Johnny and found him looking at me.

"You admire her?" he murmured.

"She … she’s gorgeous." I said. "Obviously, this is not the one everyone is talking about. She can’t be the Sarita you married on Kiniwata."

"There’s only one Sarita. Perhaps, she doesn’t look the way you expected."

"She doesn’t. I heard she was homely. They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated by Sam Karoo."

"You think eight cows was too many?" A smile slid over his lips.

"No, but how can she be so different from the way they described her?"

Johnny said, "Think about how it must make a girl feel to know her husband paid a very low dowry for her? It must be insulting to her to know he places such little value on her. Think about how she must feel when the other women boast about the high prices their husbands paid for them. It must be embarrassing for her. I would not let this happen to my Sarita."

"So, you paid eight cows just to make your wife happy?"

"Well, of course I wanted Sarita to be happy, but there’s more to it than that. You say she is different from what you expected. This is true. Many things can change a woman. There are things that happen on the inside and things that happen on the outside. However, the thing that matters most is how she views herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. As a result, that’s the value she projected. Now, she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands. It shows, doesn’t it?"

"Then you wanted …"

"I wanted to marry Sarita. She is the only woman I love."

"But …" I was close to understanding.

"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

my bestest joke..lol

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell

Pastors Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.




The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
in another race and it won again.





The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey.



The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news,



Posted the following headline:


NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.


He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the headlines read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.



The next day the headlines read:



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS

IS WILD AND FREE.


Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you
much grief and misery and even shorten your life.


So, be yourself and enjoy life !!!


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.